Heading into the 2013 season, the Angels were ranked highly on all analysts’ lists. A playoff berth was said to be all but assured and many even predicted they would reach the World Series. And indeed, even taking into account the pounds of salt it’s always best to take with preseason predictions, the Angels definitely seemed like one of the teams to beat. Certainly no one expected them to turn out to be one of the teams that everyone beats. *sigh* But, never fear ladies and gentlemen. The Angels are still having an extraordinary season — just not even remotely in the positive sense. They’re still causing jaws drop all over Major League Baseball and with play that causes fans to exclaim loudly — loudly and things that are largely unprintable, that is.
In fact, I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that 2013 Angels are redefining baseball as we know it. So, with the intent of educating and informing the larger baseball audience, I offer the following TIAVSG Angels vocabulary lesson. While these baseball terms continue to hold their standard definitions for the other 29 teams, here is what they now mean in the Angels’ lexicon:
Run Support – A mercurial happenstance that seems to come and go in waves with no discernible rhyme or reason, though it is significantly more likely to disappear when the Angels starters are doing well, and reappear when the starters’ performance renders it ineffective.
Starting Rotation – Similar to Run Support. A Starting Rotation is a group of players whose effectiveness and ability are a mercurial happenstance that seems to come and go in waves with no discernible rhyme or reason and appears to “enjoy” an inverse relationship with Run Support.
Turning the Corner – I’m convinced that, for the Angels, this is no longer so much a defined vocabulary term as the limit in a calculus equation. The Angels are forever, one might even say infinitely, said to be approaching “Turning the Corner” but they never, ever actually get there.
Lead – A largely theoretical concept that is difficult to achieve and, once achieved, nearly impossible to hold.
Loss – Synonym for weekday. No, never mind. That was grossly unfair of me. Losses can occur on weekends as well.
Firemen – Traditionally this is a neat, somewhat old fashioned term for relief pitchers, because they come into the game in a high stress situation and ‘put out the fire.’ I am particularly fond of it because I’m generally fond of old fashioned terms with vivid imagery…and you are all shocked. Now, under normal circumstances, I am highly in favor of reading as much as one can of as many different kinds of books as one can and Ray Bradbury is a personal favorite going back to childhood. But whoever made Fahrenheit 451 required reading for the bullpen? I want them found and forcibly serenaded with Buttercup…I’m Henry the 8th, I am style…for several days. *shakes head sadly* Not that kind of firemen guys. Not that kind of firemen.
Astros (see also Cubs) – An offensive juggernaut of a team with virtually unhittable pitching.
Consistency – In standard baseball terminology, consistency always has a positive connotation. He’s getting consistent at the plate, for example, means the he in question is starting to hit regularly. But in just plain, old, everyday English, consistency is more of a contextual concept and, as the Angels are reminding us this season, it is more than possible to be consistently bad.
Closed Door Meeting – I am certain that this is now a common synonym for postgame spread as both occur with significant regularity after the conclusion of the game.
Ace – Fortunately for the Angels, the traditional baseball definition still stands. An Ace is the guy that stops the team hemorrhaging, the guy who takes the mound and gives his team a chance to win no matter what…even if the offense can’t get it together in time to actually give the W to him. But no matter how the Angels or anyone else continues to define an Ace, he can only take the mound every five games or so…ugh.
October – And thus, sadly I fear that the definition of this word is destined to become ‘a quiet time of deep sadness and contemplation, but mostly of idleness…idleness spent watching other teams in the playoffs.’
Fan – A pitiable creature, filled with self-loathing and wracked by guilt over his/her inability to refrain from snarking, griping, angry yelling and the composing of lengthy, disenchanted blog posts filled with sarcastic vocabulary lessons in the face of the Angels ongoing inexplicably terrible play…even though she…er..*cough, cough*…I mean, he/she still goes to games and watches almost every single one she…er…or he can’t attend on TV. A creature who, even awash with such emotions, cannot keep herself from starting to hope again, just a little, every time the team starts to show glimpses of their true ability and wins a game or two.
And that concludes this evening’s Angels baseball terms vocabulary lesson. I cannot tell you how much I want the Angels to start and keep playing the caliber of baseball that would make me well and truly embarrassed by this post. Seriously. No joke. I want to eat crow over this by season’s end. Few things would make me happier than posting a lengthy and heartfelt apology…but the longer this kind of play continues, the likelihood of my needing to scour the internet for tasty crow marinades from Food Network chefs decreases significantly.