Heading into the 2013 season, the Angels were ranked highly on all analysts’ lists. A playoff berth was said to be all but assured and many even predicted they would reach the World Series. And indeed, even taking into account the pounds of salt it’s always best to take with preseason predictions, the Angels definitely seemed like one of the teams to beat. Certainly no one expected them to turn out to be one of the teams that everyone beats. *sigh* But, never fear ladies and gentlemen. The Angels are still having an extraordinary season — just not even remotely in the positive sense. They’re still causing jaws drop all over Major League Baseball and with play that causes fans to exclaim loudly — loudly and things that are largely unprintable, that is.
In fact, I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that 2013 Angels are redefining baseball as we know it. So, with the intent of educating and informing the larger baseball audience, I offer the following TIAVSG Angels vocabulary lesson. While these baseball terms continue to hold their standard definitions for the other 29 teams, here is what they now mean in the Angels’ lexicon:
Run Support – A mercurial happenstance that seems to come and go in waves with no discernible rhyme or reason, though it is significantly more likely to disappear when the Angels starters are doing well, and reappear when the starters’ performance renders it ineffective.
Starting Rotation – Similar to Run Support. A Starting Rotation is a group of players whose effectiveness and ability are a mercurial happenstance that seems to come and go in waves with no discernible rhyme or reason and appears to “enjoy” an inverse relationship with Run Support.
Turning the Corner – I’m convinced that, for the Angels, this is no longer so much a defined vocabulary term as the limit in a calculus equation. The Angels are forever, one might even say infinitely, said to be approaching “Turning the Corner” but they never, ever actually get there.
Lead – A largely theoretical concept that is difficult to achieve and, once achieved, nearly impossible to hold.
Loss – Synonym for weekday. No, never mind. That was grossly unfair of me. Losses can occur on weekends as well.
Firemen – Traditionally this is a neat, somewhat old fashioned term for relief pitchers, because they come into the game in a high stress situation and ‘put out the fire.’ I am particularly fond of it because I’m generally fond of old fashioned terms with vivid imagery…and you are all shocked. Now, under normal circumstances, I am highly in favor of reading as much as one can of as many different kinds of books as one can and Ray Bradbury is a personal favorite going back to childhood. But whoever made Fahrenheit 451 required reading for the bullpen? I want them found and forcibly serenaded with Buttercup…I’m Henry the 8th, I am style…for several days. *shakes head sadly* Not that kind of firemen guys. Not that kind of firemen.
Astros (see also Cubs) – An offensive juggernaut of a team with virtually unhittable pitching.
Consistency – In standard baseball terminology, consistency always has a positive connotation. He’s getting consistent at the plate, for example, means the he in question is starting to hit regularly. But in just plain, old, everyday English, consistency is more of a contextual concept and, as the Angels are reminding us this season, it is more than possible to be consistently bad.
Closed Door Meeting – I am certain that this is now a common synonym for postgame spread as both occur with significant regularity after the conclusion of the game.
Ace – Fortunately for the Angels, the traditional baseball definition still stands. An Ace is the guy that stops the team hemorrhaging, the guy who takes the mound and gives his team a chance to win no matter what…even if the offense can’t get it together in time to actually give the W to him. But no matter how the Angels or anyone else continues to define an Ace, he can only take the mound every five games or so…ugh.
October – And thus, sadly I fear that the definition of this word is destined to become ‘a quiet time of deep sadness and contemplation, but mostly of idleness…idleness spent watching other teams in the playoffs.’
Fan – A pitiable creature, filled with self-loathing and wracked by guilt over his/her inability to refrain from snarking, griping, angry yelling and the composing of lengthy, disenchanted blog posts filled with sarcastic vocabulary lessons in the face of the Angels ongoing inexplicably terrible play…even though she…er..*cough, cough*…I mean, he/she still goes to games and watches almost every single one she…er…or he can’t attend on TV. A creature who, even awash with such emotions, cannot keep herself from starting to hope again, just a little, every time the team starts to show glimpses of their true ability and wins a game or two.
And that concludes this evening’s Angels baseball terms vocabulary lesson. I cannot tell you how much I want the Angels to start and keep playing the caliber of baseball that would make me well and truly embarrassed by this post. Seriously. No joke. I want to eat crow over this by season’s end. Few things would make me happier than posting a lengthy and heartfelt apology…but the longer this kind of play continues, the likelihood of my needing to scour the internet for tasty crow marinades from Food Network chefs decreases significantly.
My latest big project at work is updating and rewriting our entire course catalog and student handbook…in a little over a week. In the words of the late great Douglas Adams, I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by! Seriously though, I am a professional. I have everything planned and moving along on schedule, from the legal requirements review, to all of the rewriting, to the occasional panic attack over the deadline. And they said all of that late night paper writing in college wouldn’t be useful in the real world. Ha! (All joking aside though, I love my job and this is a pretty cool assignment, if a little intense.)
Needless to say, I am just a wee bit catalog and course description focused at the moment and Spring Training is all about learning and practicing, so you can see how they might start to jumble together a little in my brain. Watching the games and reading the articles coming out of Arizona, I think I can make a pretty good guess about a few of the spring session catalog’s course offerings at Mike Scioscia’s LAAU:
365. Advanced Astronomy: Okay, so only Mark Trumbo is actually putting the ball into orbit this spring (and Maicer Izturis and Brandon Wood once each) which is a little worrying but many key players are getting high marks with Trumbo, Bobby Wilson, Howie Kendrick, Peter Bourjos, Alberto Callaspo and Jeff Mathis (Really? Cool!) are all hitting over .300…still, after last season, I won’t consider this course successful until more of the starting lineup names are on this list.
342. Physics of Linear and Non Linear Trajectories: The starting rotation is…coming along. They started slow. They’re easing into it. I’ve seen great stuff and silly mistakes. The last appearances were better than the first. For the most part, their 2011 ST stats are comparable to or better than their ST stats in ’10 and ’09. Eh, it’s not great, but I’m just not worried here (except about the 5 spot). To my eye it looks like the rust is coming off on schedule.
450. Fahrenheit 451 and the Art of Closing the Game: Bullpen pitchers are often referred to as firemen. But what happens when your firemen occasionally accelerate or actually start the fires themselves? A lot of offseason dollars were spent wrestling with this “philosophical” delimma and at ST midterms the grades are all over the place. Many of the pitchers the Angels will look toward for relief are making good grades, including Scott Downs, Jordan Walden, Rich Thompson, Hisanori Takashi and Michael Kohn. As for the actual closer? Love Ray Bradbury though I do, Fernando Rodney needs to find some different reading material, stat…as does everyone who has been playing in the 8th and 9th innings for the last few games, ouch.
405. Field Biology: Quite the bell curve going on here. The starting outfield is A’s across the board. Howie and Erick Aybar are looking good at 2nd and short. A nice fight to set the curve at catcher looks promising. The corner infield positions, however, are cause for concern. Trumbo is working admirably hard to overcome a needs improvement at first, which is good because we may need him in April. But third? We’ll see how the final exams play out. As to the kids? The 8th and 9th innings lately are making me think the kids are not alright…at least, not yet.
201. Basic Anatomy (prerequisite for all students intending to declare pre-med): It is often said that the true indicator of a successful spring training is having all of your players make it to the regular season in good condition. So far, the Angels are passing with a B+, which we will elevate to an A as soon as Kendry Morales makes up last semister’s incomplete.
And what of Mike Scioscia’s special core seminars and colloquia, the ice-breaking, team-building and often hilarious “research assignments” he doles out to rookies and veterans alike for morning meeting presentation? Well, sadly Ostrich Wrangling 101 does not appear to be among the course offerings for 2011. However, the following classes are moving right along towards ST midterms:
204. Social Networking: When young Mike Trout ostensibly broke the rookies should not speak until spoken to rule, Jared Weaver took it upon himself to encourage the lad to share his gift for socializing with the fans instead…by posting his phone number on the scoreboard during a spring training game with an invitation to fans to “call Mike Trout with all of your baseball questions.”
305. Trickle Down Economic Theory: So, apparently, Vernon Wells has a rather large contract. Were any of you aware of this? I’m not sure the news has covered this particular detail. At any rate, Wells has been nominated to take the rookies out to dinner and Scioscia has stuck him with the tab after several team meals. Clearly this is a popular course. Sign up early.
515. Artisan Leather Craftsmanship: (this is my favorite by the way) minor league pitchers Matt Meyer and Ryan Chaffee have been assigned a special project, designing a catcher’s glove and fielder’s mitt from scratch and then using them during batting practice. Reporters and players tell us the gloves are still in the prototype stage.
The Angels appear to be excelling at some of these classes and in need of a few visits to the campus learning center for others. As we all know, the specific marks you get in school don’t have much of an impact on your overall performance once you enter the “real world” so we’ll have to wait until May or so before we really know the results of all of that schooling. It will be interesting to see who has learned their lessons…and how jealously Mike Trout guards his new cell phone number.